How to make an application for an Academic Job and in addition Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu

by Ross Bullen

Keep an eye out for job postings when you look at the places that are usual the Chronicle of advanced schooling, faculty listservs, and esoteric manuscripts hidden when you look at the Vatican library. Pay particular attention to jobs located near the Tigris and Euphrates rivers when you look at the Fertile Crescent region. Job ads written in Sumerian cuneiform should go when you look at the “definitely apply” pile. Same goes for any job which provides to pay you in livestock, grain, or small golden trinkets. If you’re not sure if a job is right for you, try staring into a broken mirror and saying the name for the school 666 times. In the event that mirror begins to bleed, you’re definitely regarding the right track.

  • outline major scholastic achievements, in reverse chronological order, recorded in the blood of a ram that is newly-slaughtered
  • put the finished document in an envelope, and then put the envelope in a 3,000-year-old Babylonian urn, that you simply should bury under the search committee chair’s office
  • be sure to include graduate transcripts, an academic writing sample, and a mummified goat fetus to make your application really get noticed
  • List all the goods that are worldlygrain reserves, coin hoards, first-born children) you will be willing to sacrifice in order to get this job. Two pages, single-spaced, maximum. Address the letter “To whom it may concern,” throw it to the Dead Sea, and obtain prepared to have fun with the game that is waiting.

    Get up every and check the Academic Jobs Wiki morning. Then check to see in case your bathtub is filled with blood. If it is, congratulations! This implies the Mesopotamian demon Pazuzu has accepted your offer. With the Babylonian urn you buried beneath the chair’s office as a portal from the netherworld for this plane of existence, he’s got infiltrated the campus, and possessed the search committee chair. Later that day, you may watch seven crows fall from the sky and land in a circle that is perfect which can be an indicator that you have already been offered a job interview (you will even receive a contact concerning this). Okay, it’s time for you get excited! Pack your bags! (With a crucifix that is large several copper daggers!)

    Sit down with the search committee.

    Remember: they’re nervous too. The search chair seems especially distressed — head rotating 360°, vomiting bile, cursing in an unknown dialect. This may be caused by either demonic possession or a rejected sabbatical application. You have to be sure. Show the chair the large crucifix and copper daggers you brought to you. If he takes among the daggers and carves the words “Publish Or Perish” into his torso, you’ll know that Pazuzu is certainly going to force all of those other committee to hire you. With the dagger, he may need more persuading if he tries to stab you. Try brandishing the crucifix and yelling, “The power of Christ compels you!” ( NOTE : if it is a secular school try yelling something in regards to the power of innovation instead). At this point, Pazuzu will either help you get the job or disappear forever in a cloud of sulfurous smoke that is black. Regardless, you ought to thank the committee due to their time, go homeward, and wait for the working job offer/writ of excommunication to reach in your inbox.

    You’ll have 5 years to write a novel, a dozen journal articles, teach four classes per semester, and take a seat on an endless procession of committees, all while trying to pay your student loans off and maintain the illusion of a personal life. Sorry, but even an ancient demon like Pazuzu has limits to his powers. We suggest searching for a truly malevolent way to obtain evil instead, like Baphomet, Beelzebub, or — if things get really desperate — the university president’s office.

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